Keys so that infertility does not affect the couple’s relationship
The search for a pregnancy that does not arrive generates a lot of tension in the couple. You have to take care of your relationship when infertility knocks on the door. Not always both members live it in the same way, almost always there is a part that suffers it or is willing to go to more or to try again, than the other. We wanted to ask Rocío Domínguez, a psychologist at IVI Málaga, how to experience the arrival of these treatments so that infertility does not affect life as a couple.
In these times of pandemic, where our lives are constantly changing due to a totally external cause that is beyond our control, we have had to learn to adapt in a short time to new circumstances, as well as new medical recommendations, and that for more inri, they kept changing from one day to the next, making the complicated even more difficult.
Among the multiple consequences not visible and indirect, it is the possible increase in tensions between the partners, mainly due to prolonged confinement, isolation and instability. Probably, this level of tension in couples who are undergoing assisted reproduction treatments has been even higher.
Therefore, I would like you to understand that the crisis that has meant the Covid in each one of you, in your own particular reality, with your unique and exclusive circumstances, has joined a previous crisis that you sustained. That is to say, the process of finding a child who does not arrive promptly that we assumed and all the implications at all levels of your life that this so legitimate and intimate desire is having that is not fulfilled.
On a medical level, you have probably had to undergo a study of your health in the best of cases to be able to clarify something of what may be happening. With the idea always in your head of: “What happens to us?” and “who will be the culprit?”, and that in many cases has only served to give a small light to what happens. In other cases, you have finally had to resort to assisted reproduction, with the medical implications it has: Frequent gynecological examinations, consultations and examinations that although we do it with pleasure for the object that we mark, are not the usual thing in anyone’s life and represent a disruption in our daily routine. In addition, the hormonal changes in our body due to medication and submission to the interventions of the process, which can cause changes in our physique and our mood.
Infertility and friends
On a social level, the infiltrations that this process has in your lives are abundant. Relationships with significant others inevitably change, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. You can see yourself questioned as to why you are not parents, why you do not want to be or why you do not ask for help or better help, by close people or people totally alien to you, in the most varied situations, without knowing or understanding in most cases minimally what happens to you.
The experience of being in reproduction in many cases it makes you stay away from friends and loved ones and avoid going out so as not to give “explanations” of your behavior. In addition, as we have mentioned, the regime of visits to the reproduction unit, the administration of medication and interventions and the emotional swings that each part of the process entails, makes your rhythm of life look totally altered and evident to your environment.
Infertility and relationships
At the couple level, the particular experience that each of you are having of the process is surely very different. You are both people of different genders, coming from different nuclei, with different ways of interpreting and dealing with problems, and with your own previous experiences that mark you idiosyncratically. All this makes you see at all times what you are suffering in a particularly different way. What can produce “clashes” between you, feelings of incomprehension and loneliness.
On an individual level you will have observed how Everything that you are suffering is making a dent in your self-esteem, in your perception of yourself and your mood.
Emotions such as loneliness, misunderstanding, discouragement, hopelessness, anxiety and a feeling of loss of control, among others, can be constant throughout the process.
Finally, on an economic level, the deprivation of hobbies and habits due to the economic cost of the process and the pressure of investment in this medical process increases even more tensions.
These infiltrations that this crisis is having that continues for too long entail a demand on your personal resources that is exhausting.
Generally psychologists, in which I include myself, do not like general advice, because we understand that both you and your reality are unique. Therefore, if you see that for this or other reasons you need to strengthen your partner, do not hesitate to resort to the specialist psychologist from your center, we will welcome you delighted.
Tips to prevent infertility from eroding your relationship
Despite this, as I understand that we live in a society of immediacy and speed, I bring you five simple tips or recommendations that in any case can help to improve the health of your relationship.
Not only if you have experienced these tensions due to Covid, the assisted reproduction process or, as we have mentioned, for both, but in any case and circumstances, they can be a great benefit for the family that you are already today, whether someone else comes or not. little person finally to be part of you. Well What you are totally clear about the process you are going through, is that this person next to you is the only one who can really resemble their emotions and consequences of what you are with yours, that the search for this longed-for son is a common project in which you are giving the best of yourselves or at least, what you can. And of course there is surely a constant in this path of uncertainty: Before this search and whatever the result after it, you will be together, and it is worth betting on you, and therefore, take care of yourself too much, because you are the certainty before, during and at the end of the journey.
First, I would like that you were your own friends, that is, I would like you to understand what I have explained to you previously. I would like you to give yourself courage and recognize what is happening to you. Be able to be tolerant and understanding of yourself, without demanding more or inappropriate things for what you are living. Of course, it does not mean to minimize your suffering, which in many cases tends to be done, because we relativize our suffering when we are going through a process like this, but of course it does not mean to maximize or enlarge what you are experiencing, but to give it the right value and place it deserves.
Second, increase the displays of affection between you. Not only increase the saying “I love you”, which is never too much, but if it is not your style to say these words, analyze how you give affection to each other, being fair and not critical of your partner. Each one of you will do it in your own way, and you should analyze yourselves to increase how you do it, and point out to the other what he does, never what he does not do, so that he is aware of what you like and can continue to do it or increase the frequency, because if you don’t know, you never will. Remember that affection is shown with words, kisses, caresses, or with your behavior, such as doing things for the other, because you know that the other person likes them or if we don’t do them that way they annoy them. For example, making him breakfast because he likes to sleep or stopping putting the dish towel on the counter because I know it bothers my partner.
Another point and third is to maintain an exclusive space and time for the couple that you form. After so many demands and the consequent stress that life implies, it is logical that sometimes the time we spend together is affected and postponed to another place that is not the priority at the moment, and this you must change, you must and deserve to be the with each other and strive to spend quality time together.
What’s more, It is especially advisable to increase the time dedicated to the pleasant activities that you do together. During the reproduction process, these activities are diminished or stopped and your discouragement may be greater, so doing activities that reinforce and improve your spirits is a success, even more so if you share them with the person you love. and that he is in a situation of tension similar to yours and with this you manage to improve individually and as a couple. Enjoying despite being in reproduction must be a constant so that this process does not involve more than it already supposes, which is a lot.
What if we laugh a little more?
Fourth, the use of humor. Although it seems contradictory in processes that involve emotional exhaustion, to talk about get a funny vision of what happens to you, it becomes an excellent resource to overcome and cope with adversity. Humor is a salutogenic protective factor against disease. Being able to laugh at yourself and your reality, will bring you some relief in your emotional state, release pain and suffering. It helps to de-dramatize what happens to you, it allows you to speak without feeling ashamed or saddened and to communicate with each other more assiduously without thinking that you can cause damage to the other or to yourself, without entering into vicious circles of conversation that you may have established by the process in which you are immersed. And of course, it introduces fun and happiness, in addition to increasing the complicity and union between you. Feelings and attitudes that you probably need more than ever to increase between you.
Finally, I propose to make a positive balance of your experience. Every crisis implies a possible opportunity for improvement, and this is really what we could conclude through this article. Inevitably we are suffering a situation of discomfort and stress, But if, despite the pain, we manage to strengthen the bond we share, it will be a great achievement that will help us adapt and cope with the process much better, no matter what it lasts..
Rocío Domínguez
Psychologist at IVI Málaga
