For many couples, an argument is like a temporary storm that comes and goes without major consequences. For others, sadly, it is a common habit, part of a day to day that becomes more and more complicated.
The constant arguments in marriage is one of the most important causes of divorce and on many occasions it seems inevitable, just as it would be a natural catastrophe.
It is a process that, if not stopped in time, can lead to coexistence problems and even a subsequent breakdown.
What is the best thing a couple can do in such cases?
Avoiding conflict is not the solution, since it can be as damaging as seeking a constant confrontation, insofar as it fails to end a dispute that, sooner or later, will reappear.
A study published this year gives us the first clue on the subject. According to research by Baylor University’s Dr. Keith Sanford, the important thing when the ghost of the argument starts to reap its head around the corner is to show some empathy, and be able to find the sadness that, according to the professor, it underlies the anger present in all confrontations. According to her analysis of 83 couples, anger manifested by either partner only makes things worse:
“I have found that couples were more destined to express their anger not at times when they were most angry, but when the climate in their relationship was one of irritation,” noted the professor. “It’s like a trap that you can’t escape from.” If we manage to escape from this trap, we will break the vicious cycle of marital arguments.
The personal is what hurts the most
As expected, there is an extensive bibliography (informative and scientific) on the role that discussions play in our life as a couple and how they can be tackled. As a study published by Lawrence A. Kurdek in the Journal of Marriage and Family pointed out, the most common areas of conflict among most couples can be classified into six groups: power conflicts (such as criticism of the partner), social issues (such as politics), personal flaws (such as smoking or heavy drinking), lack of confidence (lying), intimacy (arguing about sex), and partner commitment (spending too much time in the past ). In general, disputes over trust, commitment and personal are the most sensitive, since they affect our internal forum in the most significant way.
Classics are already works such as Seven Golden Rules for Living as a Couple: A Comprehensive Study on Relationships and Coexistence (DeBolsillo) by John Gottman or Hug Me Strong: Seven Conversations for Lasting Love (Urano) that, focused on all audiences, They try to answer these kinds of questions. One of the most recent essays that have addressed this topic is Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up (Gotham), in which the psychologist Harriet Lerner proposes no less than 100 essential rules to know how to argue with the couple. Many of them are easily deductible – calm down, listen – but many others that are not so obvious can be useful when it comes to fixing our bedroom problems without having to fall into the usual escalation of tension. The author recalled that “the happiest couples are not those who never argue, but those who know how to argue appropriately.” How?
–Control anger and learn from it. Like a skin rash, anger is often a sign that something is wrong. And as it happens if you scratch that rash, unleashing our most irrational emotions only makes the situation worse. In The Dance of Anger, Lerner’s previous book, the author recalled that “getting angry indicates that there is a problem, but unleashing your anger does not solve it”, at the same time that she opted for using this type of reaction as a way of personal knowledge to find out what is wrong in our personal life and in our relationship.
– Wondering about your own feelings. Sometimes our partner is the one who, quite unfairly and mistakenly, is the victim of the anger that other people have helped to generate. Analyzing our own sensations, no matter how difficult it may be in those hot moments, can help us to distinguish the true origin of our discomfort, which in most cases is not necessarily our partner. Appealing to the proverb, sometimes confidence sucks. Much disgusting.
–Find out what’s underneath. A discussion about who is to wash the dishes does not necessarily have to be a discussion about who is to do the dishes. In most cases, the dispute over a very concrete and specific problem is nothing more than the symptom with which a much larger problem manifests itself. For example, what is the role of each in housework or a hypothetical perception of machismo by the woman in the couple.
–Remember the ratio of 5 to 1. In his last installment, Lerner remembers the golden rule of personal relationships. We can be critical of our partner – the opposite would also be dangerous – but not make them feel like they don’t know how to do anything. For this reason, remember that the ideal ratio between positive and negative messages should be 5 to 1, that is, five positive or encouraging comments for each one that may be a little more hurtful.
-Talk about what you feel openly. In her book, Sue Johnson points out that “expressing your deepest emotions out loud, sometimes sadness and shame and very often fear related to the relationship, can be difficult, but thanks to it we will get the best reward.” At first it can be difficult to express ourselves accurately, because it is to open our hearts and, perhaps, hurt the other person, but in subsequent discussions we will know well what to expect and what is circulating through the subconscious of our partners when we engage in a dispute.
–Avoid inopportune moments to argue. Many of the couple’s arguments occur at critical moments: after a dinner in which the wine may have run out of hand, in a social gathering where we need to play cock in front of others, or in a special moment stress. All of them are situations that, due to the pressure of external factors, push us to say what we should not say, something we will regret later. Rest your anger on the pillow and perhaps the next day you will see things differently.
– Being right is not everything. If you ask any child, they will tell you that the goal of any discussion is to reach a conclusion and find out who is right. It is a conception that, as most adults know, problematically simplifies the multiple implications present in every conversation. Sometimes, the most important thing is not to defend your position tooth and nail (as much as we suspect that we are right), but to reach an agreement that allows a new situation in which both members of the relationship feel comfortable.
–Reconnect. In How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking (Three Rivers Press), its authors, Patricia Love and Steven Stosney, defend an idea that seems to be in conflict with what has been proposed so far: that the solution to relationship problems is not found in the communication. It is the connection (sentimental) and not the communication that makes the difference, since this all that achieves is to separate us, if it is not accompanied by an emotional correlate. “You don’t have to turn a man into a woman,” the authors point out. That is, sitting down to talk is not everything, but what is important are other details, more related to the emotional, which translate in a practical way into hugging your partner in bed or thinking less about yourself and more about your partner. .
–Resolve conflicts. If after an argument about washing dishes, the accused cleans them out of obligation (and not out of conviction) or the accuser does it out of spite, chances are that sooner or later, cleaning dishes will cause a problem again . Reaching a satisfactory pact for both of us should be one of the objectives of our disputes, not to bring up dirty laundry from the past.
Source: http://www.elconfidencial.com
