When they confirm that if you want to be a mother it will have to be with donated eggs, you ask yourself many questions. There are various feelings that crowd your head and especially, the “why” arrive: “Why me? Why did I wait so long? , Why…?”
Being a mother thanks to a donated egg, something more and more frequent, due among other things because every time we delay motherhood longer, generates fears that in some cases are not overcome and it is preferred not to try. For this reason, we wanted to ask Mª del Mar Tirado, psychologist at IVI Sevilla, who gives us in this post the keys to understand that moment, assume it and enjoy it.
If you are reading this, I understand that it is very likely that you have been asked to do an assisted reproduction treatment with gamete donation
I guess it’s not being easy for you. I know that it is not the most desirable and that it is an approach that, a priori, is strange. It is normal for this to happen. Something similar to what is happening to you now happens to most of our patients who are in a situation like this.
Note that, despite the fact that it is a rare situation, in IVI clinics, about 45% of the cycles we do are with donation of some type of gamete. It is much more common than it may seem and, I assure you, that when we later see the families who come with their children, they feel completely happy. What happens when they tell you that you need a donor to be a mother? Well, right now we are going through the most complicated moment, the decision making.
Why is it difficult to accept that you need an egg donor to be a mother?
Because the donation, in a very summarized way, is characterized by 2 important facts:
There is a LOSS. “My son cannot have my genetics.” And this, to this day, hurts a lot. Notice that, on an emotional level, something similar to a Duel happens. That is why it is normal that at this moment you feel sadness, feel like crying, feel sorry for that loss, feel more sensitive …
There is a lot of UNCERTAINTY. Faced with this strange situation, it is most likely that we do not have references, that is, it is possible that you do not know another person who has passed through here. And he also adds that this is not much talked about, right?
For this reason, it is very common for a multitude of questions to come to mind: How will I feel? Will I look like their parent? How do they choose donors? Will people notice? Will I have to tell him? And the family? What will the child have of me? …
Tips to cope with being a mother through egg donation
I’m going to give you 3 ideas that I think can help you these days.
- Think of it as a DECISION MAKING.
Understand that donation is not an obligatory path, it is a chosen path. Even if you do not see it as the best way, you must assess whether it is a good way for you or not.
Before making a decision, it is important to collect INFORMATION on all possible alternatives and then assess which is the best alternative for you or for you. There is no better option than another, we just have to assess which of the options we feel most comfortable with.
- Accept THE EMOTIONS you are having
They are the usual ones in this situation, do not reproach yourself for them. Although it is a little strange to you. Let yourself be felt and explore, on a personal level, where those emotions take you.
If you have a partner, it is possible that those emotions are different or they are not experienced in the same way, or they have a different rhythm. Nothing happens, we must accept that each one handles the situation differently, we must not feel bad about it.
